i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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