i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
