the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
