you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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