i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Randomize
