Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
