remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
