i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
