Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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