I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I am available for nakedness
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
