Cold hands, warm shart.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Randomize
