I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize