Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
