I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
