Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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