I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
