jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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