I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
