He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
