this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
nutella sex= disaster
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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