You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
