Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
