dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize