Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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