Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
