Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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