so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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