Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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