Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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