Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I love you. Go after that dick
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
