Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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