are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
