duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
