upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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