I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
sarcasm needs its own font
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
