Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
