Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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