i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
