don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
