nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
