i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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