I should be sponsored by Trojan
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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