I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Someone came in the potted fern
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
