I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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