When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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