My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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