i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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