Old men and throwing up are my life now.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
