No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
