So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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