I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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