I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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