i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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