This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
