are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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