i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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