I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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