I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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