i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
