Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
