just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
