There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
