you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize
