So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
