New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You dont lie about slip and slides
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
