i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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