DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
