Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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